guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
