got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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