It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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