So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
