i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
