No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
