and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
