make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
