so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
