If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
