Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
