alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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