The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
