haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
