So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
