drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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