So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
