hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
