so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
