i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
