Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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