It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
