I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
