so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
