my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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