remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
