girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
