she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just googled if crying burns calories
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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