Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
