we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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