I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
