Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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