You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
