Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
