Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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