matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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