Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
