Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
