If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
