note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
