I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
