It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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