two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
