...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
