She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
