I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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