Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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