nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
