At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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