my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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