Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
