i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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